Day 1

It should be day 3. I was going to stop once again on Wednesday (Ash Wednesday the first day of lent). It seemed reasonable and to make sense. It wasn't after a big night of drinking and a hangover like I have now ridiculously. No, it was just after another night of drinking wine period. So, off to work I went with all intentions of not imbibing at all that day. I didn't have a nip before I went to work. Did I fail to mention I hate my job but it totally has protected my drinking career for the past 30 plus years. See, since I work in a restaurant at night, there's not much chance of not getting up in time for work. I proceeded to come home that very night and drink my usual 3 or 4 glasses of wine. What a life huh? Did I mention I have a beautiful family. Yep two sons whom I adore and a husband who works in also a thankless job to provide for us. He loves his beer. Wine too. So, why is it not day 2 even. Well, went out with the neighbors to a local restaurant for happy hour. Two wines later back to their house for too many nightcaps and here I am hungover bigtime. I told my husband if I cannot stop I am going to rehab. He was trying to say things like you beat yourself up for one time.  It's not one time I drink it's every day and I am killing myself. 
So many times I have tried to stop in the past. My husband was always happy when I fell off the proverbial wagon because then we could drink together. I told him it is and will kill me. My liver and my brain. I know as I write this I may have to leave my family if I cannot be successful. My youngest son is almost 16 and I don't want to do this to him. My older son is away at college.
I have quit in the past. I quit during both of my pregnancies. Just like I quit smoking when I first got pregnant. See the pattern, it was for someone else. It wasn't for me loving myself or caring about myself. As I lay in bed this morning. Thinking. All those stories you hear in aa about how much people have lost. Yes, I spent 6 months in aa. This was when my now husband broke up with me. He came back and I went back to drinking. Is there a pattern here? What did I lose. I have lost myself. I have been back in survival mode for so long now. Fear engulfs me. I do want my recovery to be anonymous. I do know aa is successful. But, the self abashment is just too much for me to take or believe in. I do have a faith in something greater then me or I think I would have succumb to something not so good many times over. I do feel my life has been blessed. Lately though I have wondered what's it all about. I have gotten rid of most of my journals. Writing is medicine for me. So, today I begin my first dose. I have put on a bracelet in a unbroken circle to remind me of my commitment to getting sober and not take that first drink. There are things in aa that are soo factual. That being the one. First things first. Keeping it simple. Who knows one day maybe I will walk back in those doors. Just for today I am not going to drink. Here's an ironic joke. I have a mandatory wine tasting at 3 pm followed by a tasting of the new crown royal apple blend.  How is this alcoholic going to dodge this bullet? I've given up alcohol for lent. In fact my goal is to never touch alcohol again thus giving it up for the rest of whatever life I am blessed with. This blog will be my companion to rediscover me.