I caved but I learned

Always learning. So I quit for I don't know how many days but then last Friday which would have been the 26th I caved and proceeded to drink for the next 3 days. It's Tuesday so it's back to work. I learned a lot. About my co dependence more then I really know just the surface. Also, I am alone and need to find a new job. Pronto!

crazy but maybe true

So, I'm reading this book. It's not an excuse to go back and drink. But, what I'm realizing is maybe I'm not an alcoholic yet in the sense that she describes. But, I definitely have certain attributes and I am definitely suffering from alcoholism. Does that make sense? I never got to a point where I wasn't eating food or my children had to wake me up. Therefore, there are so many different degrees. What I know for sure is my early childhood, my developed coping mechanisms and degree of emotional immaturity have made me susceptible to seeking alcohol as a coping mechanism.  That's not any better or a good thing then saying I'm an alcoholic. Labels can be so misleading. I don't know if it's just my desire but I believe my psoriasis or whatever was going on with my scalp has improved. At least at the base of my skull where skin or whatever really seemed to be built up.  My ears are still a major issue. I'm trying to drink more water then ever.
There's also mention about "what's it all about" and a connection to empty nesting or children growing away emotionally.  She describes this as starting in recovery. But, this is how I've been feeling so maybe any mother would feel that way as her children grow up and away. Just a point to ponder. I think when I'm done reading this book I may delve into the underlying stuff of my young development. A lot of it I know. But, I do know I have co dependent issues or why would I have kept inviting and reaching out to siblings who did not return the affection just because they are siblings. They don't deserve my love time or attention. I guess I always found that hard to take and digest. Their negative opinion of me and comments that have existed my whole entire life do not have to be owned or given any attention at all. Why even hug a person like that. Truth be told their isn't any shared childhood or memories. They were gone. They only made fun of me my whole life regarding any choices I made.
This is where I need to focus the next part of self discovery. The alcohol abstinence is already a benefit to my health. I still feel a bit tired and off.

Night sweats

It has dawned on me this morning after having a few decent night sleeps that I don't recall having any night sweats lately. Also, I am down 4 lbs without having exercised at all. I do know as I emerge it's going to be a challenge. The oven is broken but I take care of all the appliances and breakdowns at the duplex so I don't feel it's my job. I did not take a melatonin last night and fell to sleep rather quickly. I feel my face is less red but maybe that is just wishful thinking. I am reading a book that I'm finding rather depressing. Maybe it's more denial or whatever you call it but I do recognize I have a terminal disease. I also recognize that it's not something you can share with the outside world because there is a big stigma about it. Maybe when they first started learning about cancer and people thought they could catch it.
More importantly, it's time to find out who I am. What I enjoy. Now that my children are moving forward I have to rediscover me. I have not had any wants or desires. I guess thinking I didn't deserve them? Or, was it fear. Just trying to keep things always together. Women's roles are soo different and soo demanding. I'm having a dull pain/ache on my right side. I'm going to give it some time to resolve.

acceptance

Acceptance of a terminal disease. Was it's bob's recurrence of cancer? A dull ache on my right side - liver? I'm taking milk thistle. Time for a major change. I'm reading a kirpatrick book. It's so much deeper then all of this. Acceptance I think must be the hugest part. Or why would we ever go back and keep try try again. It just has to be accepted as fact. Plain and simple. No ifs ands or buts. It is what it is as col would say. Like cigarettes to get to the point of thank god I don't do that anymore would be the biggest blessing. I don't want to do that anymore. There's no point in doing that anymore. It isn't fun anymore. Learning to know myself might prove to be more fun.

Sunday

My first Sunday. a game of mah jong. The questions. How long? Why. Just say diet. So much true in the first chapter of the book about woman. I still feel tired and hope to get more energy back.

The emotion of it all

Drink when your happy, Drink when your sad, Drink when your tired, Drink when your mad. I think I'm seeing a pattern. It's called drowned your emotions. I looked back today. My first full day of recovery was 2.12.16. 212, Like the number.  No matter what. 8 whole days. Boy that seems like a long time.

7 full days

I made it one whole week. This is encouraging. And, the messages that are coming through everywhere are about alcohol and addiction. It is so prevalent. I am so not alone. I have not reached out as I really have been concentrating on Bob and his what I think is cancer relapse. I don't want to lose my brain. I think that is where I was heading. Not to mention my kidney hope that was just a slip. I meant liver. Pain on my right side at the bottom of my ribcage?