I caved but I learned

Always learning. So I quit for I don't know how many days but then last Friday which would have been the 26th I caved and proceeded to drink for the next 3 days. It's Tuesday so it's back to work. I learned a lot. About my co dependence more then I really know just the surface. Also, I am alone and need to find a new job. Pronto!

crazy but maybe true

So, I'm reading this book. It's not an excuse to go back and drink. But, what I'm realizing is maybe I'm not an alcoholic yet in the sense that she describes. But, I definitely have certain attributes and I am definitely suffering from alcoholism. Does that make sense? I never got to a point where I wasn't eating food or my children had to wake me up. Therefore, there are so many different degrees. What I know for sure is my early childhood, my developed coping mechanisms and degree of emotional immaturity have made me susceptible to seeking alcohol as a coping mechanism.  That's not any better or a good thing then saying I'm an alcoholic. Labels can be so misleading. I don't know if it's just my desire but I believe my psoriasis or whatever was going on with my scalp has improved. At least at the base of my skull where skin or whatever really seemed to be built up.  My ears are still a major issue. I'm trying to drink more water then ever.
There's also mention about "what's it all about" and a connection to empty nesting or children growing away emotionally.  She describes this as starting in recovery. But, this is how I've been feeling so maybe any mother would feel that way as her children grow up and away. Just a point to ponder. I think when I'm done reading this book I may delve into the underlying stuff of my young development. A lot of it I know. But, I do know I have co dependent issues or why would I have kept inviting and reaching out to siblings who did not return the affection just because they are siblings. They don't deserve my love time or attention. I guess I always found that hard to take and digest. Their negative opinion of me and comments that have existed my whole entire life do not have to be owned or given any attention at all. Why even hug a person like that. Truth be told their isn't any shared childhood or memories. They were gone. They only made fun of me my whole life regarding any choices I made.
This is where I need to focus the next part of self discovery. The alcohol abstinence is already a benefit to my health. I still feel a bit tired and off.

Night sweats

It has dawned on me this morning after having a few decent night sleeps that I don't recall having any night sweats lately. Also, I am down 4 lbs without having exercised at all. I do know as I emerge it's going to be a challenge. The oven is broken but I take care of all the appliances and breakdowns at the duplex so I don't feel it's my job. I did not take a melatonin last night and fell to sleep rather quickly. I feel my face is less red but maybe that is just wishful thinking. I am reading a book that I'm finding rather depressing. Maybe it's more denial or whatever you call it but I do recognize I have a terminal disease. I also recognize that it's not something you can share with the outside world because there is a big stigma about it. Maybe when they first started learning about cancer and people thought they could catch it.
More importantly, it's time to find out who I am. What I enjoy. Now that my children are moving forward I have to rediscover me. I have not had any wants or desires. I guess thinking I didn't deserve them? Or, was it fear. Just trying to keep things always together. Women's roles are soo different and soo demanding. I'm having a dull pain/ache on my right side. I'm going to give it some time to resolve.

acceptance

Acceptance of a terminal disease. Was it's bob's recurrence of cancer? A dull ache on my right side - liver? I'm taking milk thistle. Time for a major change. I'm reading a kirpatrick book. It's so much deeper then all of this. Acceptance I think must be the hugest part. Or why would we ever go back and keep try try again. It just has to be accepted as fact. Plain and simple. No ifs ands or buts. It is what it is as col would say. Like cigarettes to get to the point of thank god I don't do that anymore would be the biggest blessing. I don't want to do that anymore. There's no point in doing that anymore. It isn't fun anymore. Learning to know myself might prove to be more fun.

Sunday

My first Sunday. a game of mah jong. The questions. How long? Why. Just say diet. So much true in the first chapter of the book about woman. I still feel tired and hope to get more energy back.

The emotion of it all

Drink when your happy, Drink when your sad, Drink when your tired, Drink when your mad. I think I'm seeing a pattern. It's called drowned your emotions. I looked back today. My first full day of recovery was 2.12.16. 212, Like the number.  No matter what. 8 whole days. Boy that seems like a long time.

7 full days

I made it one whole week. This is encouraging. And, the messages that are coming through everywhere are about alcohol and addiction. It is so prevalent. I am so not alone. I have not reached out as I really have been concentrating on Bob and his what I think is cancer relapse. I don't want to lose my brain. I think that is where I was heading. Not to mention my kidney hope that was just a slip. I meant liver. Pain on my right side at the bottom of my ribcage?

day 6

sleeping is really difficult. I can't fall asleep and seem to awaken. Maybe it's just life going on. It's Thursday. Our day off. I think this is maybe the most challenging but I don't feel challenged this morning.

ringing in my ears/head

this is weird and strange. I hope it goes away soon.

I hope im past any kind of withdrawl stuff

So it would be 5 full days without alcohol. Today beginning the 6th. I had all kinds of shit at work. But, the clearer my thinking gets and I know its in infancy stages. I wonder. Why have you stayed at a job that is a hostile environment. A job where you do not feel valued. Or, is it the disease that has allowed me to stay stuck in all that muck. Then bob. Having to point out that his cancer has returned. I am so tired of his anger at everything. What's making me live my life like this? Maybe that's why recently I been asking myself what it is all about.

day 5 am

Well it's been crazy like things have been. Work with this lady and the allergy. Bob and his upcoming cancer appointment and his ugly racism. Starting quick books. I need to have my own business but what. I am soo tired.   I remember quitting at other times and wondering how long withdrawal lasts. I just know this time it has to last. Kim's talking to me about shots at Easter. That's like 4 weeks away. I think I need to do some investigating into co stuff too. It's really time and I deserve to start thinking of myself. I just know there's some lesson bigger here. I am sitting at the duplex and some asshole just lied that he left a message on mom's machine. People are so messed up. LIARS. What I know for sure is I need to just focus on myself and balance my stuff. Just like I tell my kids, I need to heed my own advice.

Day 2

I forgot how hard it is to sleep in those initial days of stopping. No wonder since if you went to sleep after drinking you always wake up in the middle of the night. I can't wait to sleep like a normal person again. I found some websites I will try to use to have a community. My hubby knocked a glass of red wine onto the carpet. Just another reminder for me, because it could have been me, I'm just glad it wasn't. Went through all the wine and liquor tasting with a different view. I think I'm going to find more time on my hands believe it or not. I went to a funeral this morning for another young person 63. That's young to me. I want to live out my last years feeling the best I can feel everyday. It's freezing out.

Day 1

It should be day 3. I was going to stop once again on Wednesday (Ash Wednesday the first day of lent). It seemed reasonable and to make sense. It wasn't after a big night of drinking and a hangover like I have now ridiculously. No, it was just after another night of drinking wine period. So, off to work I went with all intentions of not imbibing at all that day. I didn't have a nip before I went to work. Did I fail to mention I hate my job but it totally has protected my drinking career for the past 30 plus years. See, since I work in a restaurant at night, there's not much chance of not getting up in time for work. I proceeded to come home that very night and drink my usual 3 or 4 glasses of wine. What a life huh? Did I mention I have a beautiful family. Yep two sons whom I adore and a husband who works in also a thankless job to provide for us. He loves his beer. Wine too. So, why is it not day 2 even. Well, went out with the neighbors to a local restaurant for happy hour. Two wines later back to their house for too many nightcaps and here I am hungover bigtime. I told my husband if I cannot stop I am going to rehab. He was trying to say things like you beat yourself up for one time.  It's not one time I drink it's every day and I am killing myself. 
So many times I have tried to stop in the past. My husband was always happy when I fell off the proverbial wagon because then we could drink together. I told him it is and will kill me. My liver and my brain. I know as I write this I may have to leave my family if I cannot be successful. My youngest son is almost 16 and I don't want to do this to him. My older son is away at college.
I have quit in the past. I quit during both of my pregnancies. Just like I quit smoking when I first got pregnant. See the pattern, it was for someone else. It wasn't for me loving myself or caring about myself. As I lay in bed this morning. Thinking. All those stories you hear in aa about how much people have lost. Yes, I spent 6 months in aa. This was when my now husband broke up with me. He came back and I went back to drinking. Is there a pattern here? What did I lose. I have lost myself. I have been back in survival mode for so long now. Fear engulfs me. I do want my recovery to be anonymous. I do know aa is successful. But, the self abashment is just too much for me to take or believe in. I do have a faith in something greater then me or I think I would have succumb to something not so good many times over. I do feel my life has been blessed. Lately though I have wondered what's it all about. I have gotten rid of most of my journals. Writing is medicine for me. So, today I begin my first dose. I have put on a bracelet in a unbroken circle to remind me of my commitment to getting sober and not take that first drink. There are things in aa that are soo factual. That being the one. First things first. Keeping it simple. Who knows one day maybe I will walk back in those doors. Just for today I am not going to drink. Here's an ironic joke. I have a mandatory wine tasting at 3 pm followed by a tasting of the new crown royal apple blend.  How is this alcoholic going to dodge this bullet? I've given up alcohol for lent. In fact my goal is to never touch alcohol again thus giving it up for the rest of whatever life I am blessed with. This blog will be my companion to rediscover me.